X is adopted. We have an open adoption in that we have met his birth-mother (BM) on several occasions and remain in contact with her through our attorney. She does not know our last name, nor our address or phone number. We send her pictures of him periodically and occasionally she asks to visit with him. It has been almost a year since our last visit with her. There is just one stipulation. She can not refer to herself as mommy. She is auntie. She is fine with this and really seems to enjoy these meetings. X treats her as he would any other relative stranger, at first cautiously, and then he warms up after a time.
The Mrs. always gets a little worried when she asks to see him. She thinks that BM must have some ulterior motive, that she wants something of us, or that she will try and take X back. I guess it is natural for her to feel this way -- BM has had some issues in the past.
She has a history of drug use, and was actually in prison when X was born. We visited her while she was in prison, before X was born and she was so full of hope and had so many plans for straightening out he life when she was released.
When we saw her last year (for the first time since X was born), she was close to being released and living in a halfway house. When we visited there, we had a bit of security as she couldn't easily leave, or have other visitors there besides us. She was still full of hopes and plans for the future. She had a job and said she was doing well.
A few months after that first visit, I ran into her. She was crossing the street and I was in my car. I had to do a double take. I could have just let her pass as she hadn't seen me, but I called to her. She was high. I was sick for her. I guess being back in the real world was a tough adjustment for her. I gave her a lift back to where she was staying and when she walked away from the car, I wrote her off, lost back to her old ways, either dyeing of an overdose or back to prison. Needless to say I was very surprised when the Mrs. said that they attorney had sent her a note and that BM would like to see us.
The visit went very well. I think it makes her really happy to see how well X is and how much he is loved. I like to think that we are a glimmer of hope to her. She has three other children who were removed from her custody, she doesn't know where they are, at least she knows about X.
We get something out of these meetings too. We do not intend to hide X's adoption from him. He will grow up knowing that we adopted him and how special that makes him. Despite this, the day will come when he will start asking questions about his biological parents. As he gets older, and hopefully, we continue with this relationship, that process will be much easier on him, and on us.
3 comments:
I always admired you guys for that. It takes special people to adopt. I wish more people will do it. There are so many kids that could use a loving home. X is such a freaking cute kid. And when you guys are together, it's so obvious there is so much love there. I think that The Mrs.'s reaction is normal. Plus, she is a strong woman who is used to being in control of a situation, and this takes a little of control away. I think it's great you guys are gonna be straight and open with the kiddo. That's the best way to go.
-N
Thanks! - I agree that her reaction was normal, and I hope that I didn't come across otherwise. This is one of the fundamental differences between us. She is very analytical about things and looks for underlying motives, where I take pretty much everything at face value. We compliment each other that way.
I think it's great that X gets to know his BM as well. I would love to adopt but I'll also admit that the idea of my child being in contact with their birth parents would scare me. But, in X's case, he can grow up without those questions and confusions about his BM that a lot of adopted kids go through. It is sad to see how hard off the BM is though.
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