2007 Redeux

So 2008 is shaping up to simply be a continuation of 2007. More poorly or un-planned projects. More stupid bitchy people and more micro-management. I so need a new job.

Then there is the smoking. What a roller coaster ride that has been. On again off again. I just can't seem to make a clean break. I had quit for a month and then started again and then quit again and then started again and today I am quitting again. I stopped to think about what I was doing while I was successfully quitting, and during the first time I was blogging more consistently, I guess it helps to take my mind off it. The other time I was just so sick, I couldn't smoke -- Don't want that again.

On the home front, the Mrs. travels throughout the first quarter, just like last year, and she is already talking about the next project she is working on. I love to see her get excited about this stuff, but that usually means late nights for her and missing too much time at home.

So here we go again...

A Milestone, of Sorts

I have gone a full week without smoking. It was so easy to start, why is stopping so hard? Here are some of the highlights of the nightmares caused by quitting smoking:

• Terribly on edge. The least little thing just makes me so angry. It is like I am the only person on Earth who has any intelligence, and everyone else has the brain power of a single celled organism.
• Single Focus. There have been several days where all I could think about was having a smoke. I said to a co-worker yesterday, "I'd walk five miles for a cigarette right now, and by the time I got there, I probably wouldn't want it anymore."
• Depression. I feel as if I have lost my best friend.
• Unbelievably vivid dreams. Disturbing dreams. Dreams about things I dare not speak of. Dreams in which I remember that the dream is a reoccurring one. Dreams that have me worrying about my sanity.
• Hunger. I am so freggin' hungry I can't stand it.

I don't know if all of this is just the quitting smoking, or if it is side affects of the  helper drugs that go along with this process. The one I know for sure is side affect is the nausea, which is partially leads to the hunger. If I eat immediately after taking it, I'm not nauseous.

On the bright side, I do actually feel better. That smokers cough has almost disappeared. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night unable to breath, and all the food I am eating, tastes so much better.

So congratulations to me.

Someone Might Get Hurt

This is me without cigarettes. Not pretty. This too shall pass, but all can think about is going outside in the rain to puff away on a tube of paper stuffed with dried leaves and cotton at one end.

I stole this picture from here: www.therapyquestionmark.co.uk so take a look at their site. Listen to their tunes and buy their music.

So I swap one bad habit for another. I am eating like there is no tomorrow, or otherwise chewing gum. I must have some oral (not aural) fixation. I've been told by a co-worker that chewing straws is prohibited, because it looks ridiculous. As if a cigarette doesn't. She is a non-smoker. We compromised on cinnamon toothpicks instead. Not so obvious, and a little tougher looking. This way I won't look so much like the bitch I am to the habit, but more of a bad ass who needs to chew on something in order to channel some aggression. So at the rate I am going, I shall certainly weigh 500 lbs by the end of next week. Get out of my mind....

The thing is, I don't really feel like I crave the cigarette as much as I need to round out the day. It is time for a smoke, that's all. My routine is disturbed and I not quite sure how to create a new one. I tried walking around the office, and there are all these people who would gladly give me a cigarette if I asked for it. Need to move on to someplace else. Ah... the cafeteria. Now there is a good place to go. Smoking while eating is so nasty. A small reprieve, long enough to eat the hot Italian sub and fries that are today's special. But now I want that after eating cigarette. FUCK!!! Hey, eating a cigarette, now that sounds good, no wait, what the hell am I thinking??

Good Riddance

I've been your bitch for far too long. Whenever you call, I come running. All you do is make me sick, steal my time and money and leave your stench all over me. I just can't get away.

I know I've left you before, written you off. Then you called again, at a moment of weakness and we were together again, with a vengeance. Again you take over my life, again I am your bitch, to come running whenever you call. Wreaking of you you when we are finished, time lost again, more money down the toilet, all for nothing really.

I hear you calling me now. And I so want to go to you. But no more. I am stronger than you. You are nothing but a stinking stick of leaves rolled together in paper. You really have no more power over me than I give you. I choose to give you nothing.

Good riddance smokey mistress, I knew better when we started our affair, and it has gone on far too long. I'm finished with you.