Why Work Functions Suck

I really despise going to work functions, and quite honestly, I usually skip them altogether when I can. I haven't been to a holiday party of a summer picnic in probably eight years (and I've worked here 10).

I did go to one on Saturday night. As a congratulations for a great year, the boss gave the managers and their spouses a day at the spa or a round of golf at a nice resort. There was dinner and a hospitality suite and we stayed over night. All in all, a really nice time. The Mrs. and I had massages and stuff and dinner was nice.

In the hospitality suite, I spoke to the people I normally speak with at work, and met their spouses, and they spoke with the Mrs. But there were at least three rude ass people who wanted to bug me about work.

First is the resident Greek. He asks me outside to smoke a cigarette and I'm happy to join him... until he starts in about the access points that are down. Fortunately, my appointment for my massage in in five minutes so I hastily leave him with half a cigarette.

When I get back to the hospitality suite after my massage, Tall Paul accosts me. Thankfully Jeff is there to stop him -- my hero!

Finally, FrankieQ wants to bug me about laptops. No introduction to his wife, no hey what did you do today, just what about those laptops. Yeah, I tell him, I'll be working on those, MONDAY.

So the way I see it, one of two things is going on here, they either don't care to get to know me, or they think that by discussing work with me is showing that they are interested in getting to know me.

I always assume the that it is the first case, and immediately switch off and they earn the asshole designation. Maybe I should somehow redirect the conversation and let them know that I am not socially inept.

Sorry, you have the wrong number

I was watching the news last night and caught this story about the mishandling of medical information. I was interested because privacy issues really interest me in this digital world, and as the story unfolded, I grew increasingly disgusted. Here is what happened:

A nursing home was trying to fax some medical records to a doctor. The records turned up on the fax machine in some woman's house. This "good Samaritan" calls the news to tell them about what happened and she gets an interview on the eleven o'clock news. It turns out that the only difference between the phone number of the intended recipient and this woman is the last digit.

The news story talks about the increase of theft of medical identity and the consequences for the person handling the  information - like loosing their job.

So someone may loose their job because they misdialed the phone? The woman who received the fax could take the time to find the news hotline but couldn't take the time to get the name of the sender off the header of the fax and let them know they had the wrong number; or, worst case, look at the caller id on the fax machine and send a fax back letting them know. Shame on you lady.

Shame on the news organization too for running this - I'll use the term loosely -- news. People dial the wrong number all the time, and it isn't news.

Cover Your Ass - Part II

I was talking with my friend Jeff yesterday and we started talking about covering your ass. "Funny would should mention that," I say. Now, I trust Jeff completely, despite the fact that he is tight with Satan (the big boss where I work), so I had no problem telling him that I believe that Satan is where the problem starts.

Well, Jeff looked as if every neuron in his brain misfired and blood might start to drip from his tear ducts and his ears. To my surprise, he only said "I haven't seen that." We didn't really have a chance to finish the discussion.

When Satan asks questions regarding problems, it is invariably a who question: who knew, who decided, who did; you get the idea. When the first thing someone wants to know is who, that means they are coming for you and this promotes a culture of CC: and read receipts for every minor "communication". Oh, and by the way, he has every "communication" he has sent or received since 2000 or something crazy like that. Cover your ass.

I have to believe that if the conversations here where of the what, where, when and why sort, we might actually learn some things from our mistakes. Questions like:

1. What happened?
2. Is this an isolated incident, or a re-occurring one?
3. What was the result?
4. Which customers and how were they impacted?
5. How can we do it differently?

You see, these questions will lead unthreateningly to the who, and people may actually have an opportunity to learn something from a situation.

Who looks like you are building a case. Take for example the broken speaker that "someone" knew about for three weeks and yet nothing was done about it. My boss, assistant-Satan, goes on the hunt for who knew, rather than, ok, I know about it now, lets get it fixed and make sure everyone knows who to report these problems to in the future so things aren't left hanging. Every question was who, instead of where was the process breakdown.

So we work here in this CYA culture, for now. Would it be gauche to post my résumé here and solicit comments, or better yet, job offers?

Please Don't Think I'm a Dick...

...when I turn all condescending after you've asked me the same question - changing your words ever so slightly - three times in a row. No matter how you ask, the answer will still be the same. I have a fairly firm grasp of the English language, so you won't be able to trick me into changing my answer.

...when I roll my eyes at you because you over simplify things, or think I can do magic or something. If you are getting ready to say to me "why don't you just..." then you must think you know better how to do my job, in which case, you can have it.

...when I see you coming and I turn and walk the other way. I was raised this way - dad always told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, to say nothing at all. My walking the other way is a precautionary measure to prevent me from opening my mouth and quite possibly doing you sever psychological damage. You should really thank me, and ask yourself why I have such disdain for you.

...when I get all huffy about a 16:55 meeting for something that could certainly have waited until tomorrow morning. You see, my time is valuable to me, as is yours. I'll do all I can to respect your time, please do the same for me. This goes for calling me as well. Expect attitude if you call me at 18:30 to ask me the seating capacity of the conference room upstairs. That CAN WAIT until morning, when I'm at the office.

...when I don't call you back simply because you showed up on my missed calls list. If it was important, you should've left a voice mail.

...when I bring out the techno-babble because you ask me why something needs to be done a certain way or prod me about why your pie in the sky "FM" suggestion will not work. I do try to shield you from this because you invariably just look at me like I'm a dick for giving you the technical answer.

...when I laugh at you because you've told me you need a favor and then tell me to call you to find out what it is.

...when I tell you I'm fine thank you even though you didn't ask, you just started your complaining straight away as if I'm a machine just taking in your inputs. Guess what, I'm a person too, so when you call me start off with "Good morning, this is whoeverthehellyouare, how are you?" We will get off on the right foot that way. I know you don't care how I am and you just want your problem solved, but still, it is the nice thing to do.

...because I'm not. Actually, I'm very laid back and easy to get along with. Take a little time to get to know me and you'll see. Oh, and I'm sure that there is more than one thing on this list that bothers you too.

Cover Your Ass

Do you request a read receipt for every e-mail you send. Then do CC: 25 people so you can make sure the whole world knows that you sent something to someone.

It is disgusting. We have gotten so worried about making sure we have some way to pass the buck onto someone else, to skirt any responsibility or ownership, that I don't see how there is any time or effort being placed on doing what we are actually paid to do.

Do you think that if we all just took the time to do the best job we can do then we won't need to worry so much about whether or not our ass is covered.

Please, No Eating, Drinking, Smoking, or Flash Photography

Amazing how time flies. X turned three last Thursday. The Mrs. and I started a tradition last year where we take him to Disney for his birthday. We stay four days and play it up like tourists! and we really have a great time doing it. We attended several character breakfasts and spent time visiting the characters around the park and taking pictures. X was so excited he could hardly contain himself. It is so much fun to see his reactions when he sees characters he likes.

There were times though when I found myself becoming one of those parents... the ones who become so obsessed with their child's behavior that they loose any sense of proportion. I mean that it is a balancing act between making sure that your child behaves appropriately, and making sure he still has a good time. After all, we are there for the kids, right. If you become so rigid that the child has to stand right next to you every second, and can't get a little figity, no one is going to have a good time. When the Mrs. and I relaxed a bit, so did X and we were all much happier.

Then there were the miserable people. The people who had no business at the happiest place on Earth. The lady who stuck her arms up in the air as if she were under arrest, turning around like some stupid ballerina, showing she had nothing as she went through the line where they check your bags. Come on lady, a small inconvenience to try and make sure no one brings a bomb into the park. Grow Up!

There was the trip to Guest Relations. Everyone in that line was
M A D. I was too, not at Disney, but at the Mrs. I'd been telling her for two weeks we need to renew our passes. Someone told her on the phone that we had 30 days to do this, but the day after they expired we couldn't get into to the park. Off to Guest Relations. One couple at the window wanted their entire vacation refunded because there was a storm one day while they were at the park. I didn't realize that Disney could control the weather too!

This brings me to the line jumpers. "I waited in line already". BIG FAT FUCKING DEAL. If there is a line, you need to wait in it. One guy interrupted someone else's transaction. HOW FUCKING RUDE. When I told him he should wait in line just like everyone else, he told me that I would do the same if I were him. Hello Jackass, I've waited in several lines already today and you don't see me cutting in front of all these people.

But my favorite was this lady, who completely ignored the prohibition against flash photography. All through Pirates of the Caribbean, she is snapping pictures, setting off her flash and messing up the experience for everyone else. Not only is the flash going off, but the light from the display on her camera is distracting. So to show her how she made the experience for everyone else, I started snapping pictures of her. At least I turned my display off so that light didn't get in anyone's eyes. The Mrs. did remind me that I was breaking the rules as well and that two wrongs don't make a right, so I waited until we got off the ride to snap this one, her running from me. She must have heard me tell the Mrs. that I was gonna post her fat ass on the Internet so the world can see who the asshole was. I hope your pictures sucked. Oh yeah, remember this when your three kids are always in trouble too, you set the example, showing that it is optional to follow the rules. STUPID BITCH.

All in all, a good time was had by all. Disney is just great fun and I can't imagine getting tired of going there. At least I'm a happy person and can just laugh at these idiots - and heckle the line jumpers so that even if they don't step to the end, they will be somewhat embarrassed.

Is it just me

<rant>

Or is entering a date on a web form just stupid? I can type ten digits faster than I can select the year of my birth any day of the week. So who is the idiot who decided that the convention of drop down lists were the appropriate way to enter dates on forms?

From a database standpoint I get it. They need to info to conform to certain standard: the database can see Jan, jan, January, january , and never mind the misspellings, as different entries. So make it numeric and a field for each part. If people use a single digit for the day and month, just give a message back saying you need two digits. This is particularly annoying on a birth date. This becomes more and more annoying the older you get, right, you are always further down on the list. At lease make a combo box so that while I type 1 9 7 1 it auto fills.

/<rant> 

Someone Might Get Hurt

This is me without cigarettes. Not pretty. This too shall pass, but all can think about is going outside in the rain to puff away on a tube of paper stuffed with dried leaves and cotton at one end.

I stole this picture from here: www.therapyquestionmark.co.uk so take a look at their site. Listen to their tunes and buy their music.

So I swap one bad habit for another. I am eating like there is no tomorrow, or otherwise chewing gum. I must have some oral (not aural) fixation. I've been told by a co-worker that chewing straws is prohibited, because it looks ridiculous. As if a cigarette doesn't. She is a non-smoker. We compromised on cinnamon toothpicks instead. Not so obvious, and a little tougher looking. This way I won't look so much like the bitch I am to the habit, but more of a bad ass who needs to chew on something in order to channel some aggression. So at the rate I am going, I shall certainly weigh 500 lbs by the end of next week. Get out of my mind....

The thing is, I don't really feel like I crave the cigarette as much as I need to round out the day. It is time for a smoke, that's all. My routine is disturbed and I not quite sure how to create a new one. I tried walking around the office, and there are all these people who would gladly give me a cigarette if I asked for it. Need to move on to someplace else. Ah... the cafeteria. Now there is a good place to go. Smoking while eating is so nasty. A small reprieve, long enough to eat the hot Italian sub and fries that are today's special. But now I want that after eating cigarette. FUCK!!! Hey, eating a cigarette, now that sounds good, no wait, what the hell am I thinking??

Good Riddance

I've been your bitch for far too long. Whenever you call, I come running. All you do is make me sick, steal my time and money and leave your stench all over me. I just can't get away.

I know I've left you before, written you off. Then you called again, at a moment of weakness and we were together again, with a vengeance. Again you take over my life, again I am your bitch, to come running whenever you call. Wreaking of you you when we are finished, time lost again, more money down the toilet, all for nothing really.

I hear you calling me now. And I so want to go to you. But no more. I am stronger than you. You are nothing but a stinking stick of leaves rolled together in paper. You really have no more power over me than I give you. I choose to give you nothing.

Good riddance smokey mistress, I knew better when we started our affair, and it has gone on far too long. I'm finished with you.

Put the blackberry down and back away slowly...

I know I should love them, and in theory they are a really handy tool. Still, do we need to be so connected that we can't drive home without glancing at our e-mail, or sit through dinner with the family, or have the courtesy to  sit through a meeting without e-mailing the guy across the room?

Worse yet is when someone knows you have it. This seems to entitle them to expect instant responses to their requests. I mean come on, you have anytime anywhere access to your e-mail so you can certainly respond RIGHT NOW.

A couple of weeks ago my boss suggested I get one. My work frequently takes me away from my office, and she feels I should have one to keep in touch.

Boss: You need a blackberry

Me: Not really

Boss: You're away from you desk a lot

Me: Yeah, but I make time throughout the day to check my e-mail. Besides, if something requires my immediate attention, doesn't that merit a phone call?

Boss: I suppose

Me: Another thing. I give better customer service when I am focused on my customer... and not my newest e-mail

Me -- to myself: Please. The last time I checked, I set my own priorities -- not some little black box attached to my hip. This is why I will not have one, fire me if you need to, but keep your crackberry.

 

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Sent from my old fashioned hard wired clunky desktop pc